I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
