Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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