I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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