He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
