dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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