So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I got her a Nickelback box set.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Are my feet made of real feet?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
