brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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