the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
