it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
