I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
