batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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