i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
