Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
