I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
