Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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