He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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