Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
My bed smells like the plague
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