I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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