Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
