Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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