I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
