So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
