i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
