The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
