just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
