THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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