I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
God I need to hump something, right now.
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