I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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