if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
