I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
