My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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