just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
