Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
