i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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