my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Two words: blizzard sex
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
