How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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