I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Randomize
