Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
