Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
