4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
