if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
