life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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