Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
