I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
My cat gives me a boner
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
