hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
