Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
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