I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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