So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
