i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
