this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Vodka?
Forever.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
