im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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