Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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