i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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