Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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