When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
