also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
