just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
