I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
