I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Randomize
