Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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