Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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